Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
