U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize