I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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