The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
