i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
