I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
