Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
