clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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