If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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