you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I love having hate sex.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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