she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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