just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
