i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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