At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
