I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
