The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
