Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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