I should be sponsored by Trojan
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We just shotgunned beers for America
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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