I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
