I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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