my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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