I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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