I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
