Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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