I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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