why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
