if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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