he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
