hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
