Cold hands, warm shart.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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