I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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