I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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