My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
