Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
