The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
