Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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