We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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