you're like a bully in the Christmas story
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
