Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
