i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
