Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
