I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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