so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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