Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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