I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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