That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
