Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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