The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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