Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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