Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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