just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
