oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You ruined the universe
Randomize
