i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
