I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
