Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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