Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
