I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
